The Holistic Foster Child

Modified Paper from 2003 - "Holistic Approach for Handling a Foster Child’s Grief and Loss"

Grief and loss with respect to the foster child have not been dealt with effectively in the USA, and I believe a holistic approach has been proven to be the most effective way of dealing with grief and loss in foster families. There is a need to take an insightful and personalized approach in dealing with complex issues, for the foster child goes through a traumatic time being shifted from one home to another. The basic rationale for addressing grief and loss as experienced by the foster child, stems from the lack of family education and awareness of the issues surrounding the foster child’s grief and loss. In particular, grief education and foster care training for foster families would provide tools to aide in a smooth transition for the entire foster family.

With over 550,000 children in the foster care system, the nation is failing to get them out of the system and adopted into homes. The very system that was created to protect neglected and abused children, has wrapped itself up in so much bureaucracy, that it has created a parallel and inescapable cycle of abuse. Unfortunately, most foster children spend months and even years, being shuffled in and out of various temporary homes. Each year, only a fraction of children are legally adopted, while the rest are thrown back into the recycle bin of the foster care program. The net result is, we have thousands of children experiencing loss and grieving with each change of residence. In the life of a foster child, change is constant. This change presents uncertainty. When taken from one home to another, the child walks into the unknown carrying with him or her, fears and insecurity.

Most, if not all children in foster care experience a tremendous sense of loss. There is a loss of their familiar home surroundings, at least some disruption of daily routines, loss of personal belongings, and family members. How a child experiences loss depends on many factors including: the child's developmental level, the significance of the people separated, whether the separation is temporary or permanent, and the degree of familiarity of the new surroundings. Foster children are often in an indeterminate state. When initially placed into care, it is often unknown whether the child will or will not return home. Until a biological parent's rights are relinquished or terminated, it is difficult for a child to complete the grief process. If the child goes on to be placed in other foster homes, he or she may never complete the grief process until they are out of the foster care system.

A holistic approach for handling a foster child’s grief and loss can be broken down into four sections, based on factors that influence a foster child’s life: the foster parent, the biological parent, the social worker or educator, and the adoptive parent if there is one. All four factors impact a foster child’s life and shape it in the process. Offering grief education and foster care training to all parties involved in a foster child’s life, would arm them with tools to aide in a smooth transition. Grief education can include classes or seminars covering the psychological impact of grief on a child, with a particular focus on the foster child. The format can be a mixture of two styles; lecture and interactive. Attendees will learn and use what they have learned at the same session, which opens up the course for further feedback.

Support groups for foster parents are a great opportunity to discuss and network with others whose lives have been impacted by a foster child and the foster care system. Working together the parents can gain a better understanding of the foster child’s emotional vulnerabilities and share what methods worked best for them when dealing with grief issues. On a one-on-one level, the foster parent can help the child feel safe, secure, and better prepared for their next placement. Through honest and direct communication, the foster parent can facilitate and assist the child’s natural grieving process by discussing foster care issues and educating themselves and their foster child. In addition, foster parents and social workers need to work closely to develop a plan to help the child grieve and adapt during the transitional time between permanent homes.

Educators spend a lot of time with their students and in many cases, are not aware of those in the class who are foster children. A teacher might unintentionally refer to biological or foster parents in a way that brings a foster child’s grief to the surface, causing them to modify their behavior. Also, a teacher might not be equipped to discuss the foster care situation with any degree of sensitivity. If a foster parent meets with the teacher and informs him or her before the child starts class, it would make the child’s classroom experience more favorable for all. It is best to teach the child to take the energy from their grief and trauma and focus it on something positive, like school interactions and building friendships. Brief one-on-one occasional meetings between a foster parent and teacher are ideal, because foster children tend to need more attention.

The social worker should work with the foster parent and assist the child to deal with his or her feelings. The child may not want to put feelings into words, so using play, drawing pictures, creating clay models, and other artistic methods of exploring feelings can be used. If the child wishes to verbalize their thoughts, then active listening can be an effective tool for validating emotions. Also, at this point the child’s biological parents and the loss experienced by being separated from them can be addressed. Most foster children feel abandoned by their biological parents and deeply grief the loss of the parents with grew up with however dysfunctional the family.

Involving the future adoptive parent in the life of the foster child before the placement takes place, aides in a better transition. Between finding a permanent home for a foster child and all the lengthy legal paperwork involved, there could be a long waiting period. If prospective adoptive parents attend adoptive or foster parent support groups, it could prepare them for what is to follow. Ideally, with the foster and adoptive parents working together openly in front of the child, it makes the child feel less of a sense of loss when they move into a permanent home.

Addressing grief and loss in foster care and creating awareness aides in the prevention of more complicated psychological issues for the entire foster family. Through the assistance and support of their foster parents, biological parents, social workers, educators, and adoptive parents – all working collectively, a foster child can come to terms with their being in the foster care system and work through their grief and deal with their loss. The key is for individuals to help individuals build a better family through education and awareness.

-zensufi-

Customer Service That Rocks

Hallo... the decision was made - old car out, new car in. A list of new cars were identified and test driven by yours truly. One particular car caught my eye and senses like a magnetic attraction. It is the one!

Having identified the make and model, now began the search for the car in my favorite color and with all the gadgetry and options preferred. The hunt drove me from one dealership to another, and here is some of what I was told...

"Silver is a popular color and light blue looks nice.”
"We can put in leather seats for you, in fact the manufacturers leather isn't 100% leather."
“No such car in California or even Arizona and Nevada.”
“The car is no longer made in that color, but we have the last one of it kind sitting on a ship six weeks away.”
“There is no such car in the color and model you want in the entire United States.”

The last statement resonated across every dealership in the Northern California area. I do not exaggerate. Wait a minute, Northern California? So, I thought to myself, what about Southern California?

Tired of dealing with dealerships directly and getting the run around, I got on the car manufacturer’s website and searched for the make and model by location. Click, punch, and bingo! A dealership all the way down in Santa Clarita just north of Los Angeles had the perfect match.

A bit skeptical having been told so many different stories, I called them to ask if they really had the car I was looking for in stock, in the parking lot, and this very minute. A sales manager checked his logs and told me, “You betcha, it is here on the lot!”

In no time, we negotiated a deal at below invoice price and I was given two options regarding the delivery of the car – 1. dealership ships the car to me at no profit to them, they find a transportation company and I pick up the cost or 2. dealership pays for my plane ticket to fly out there and I drive back in my new car.

Fly – I like the sound of that! Lower cost than having the car shipped, but I felt it would be nice to take a break and go on a mini adventure.

So, off I flew into Van Nuys airport where I was met by a salesperson from the dealership in the company van. He had offered to pick me up in my new car, but I opted against it – too nervous to drive in fast paced Los Angeles among other related fears like, being in a new unscratched car on unfamiliar roads.

A 25 minute chatty ride later, we arrived at the dealership. I got to test drive my new car – a cool smooth ride! Wrapped up the paperwork between the salesperson, sales manager, and the finance whiz, and was all set to drive off up the highway with my new coffee mug and car to match. Popped in a Scorpion CD and hit the gas to “Here I am… rock you like a hurricane…”

The next day, I received a call from the salesperson to ask if my drive was safe and fun, and a few days later I received a tin of yummy cookies, a lovely thank you card, and a check reimbursing me for my plane ticket there. I am happy and still rocking to Scorpion. Why? Great customer service and a win-win situation!

Actually, the sale above was even smoother and friendlier than I described it in this short space. Think about this – how far would you go for your customer? Why is it so important to deliver on a promise and deliver the best possible customer service and follow through? Because you want to build a relationship and get repeat business, right?

I never look at a sale as MY sale, I look at it as OUR sale, because in order for the sale to be a great sale, both parties have to win-win and the outcome should be mutually beneficial. I don’t ask my customers “Can I sell you this or that?” I say “How can we work together to assist each other?” And we find the best path.

The car dealership in my personal story above treated me the way I treat my customers. This time around being on the receiving end felt really great. It gave me better insight into how I can continue to treat my customers. Thank you Santa Clarita folks for the lesson!

rock on,
-zensufi-

Metamorphosis of Communication

Hallo... technology upgrades faster than the seasons change, and it is tough to keep up with the plethora of gadgets. The cell phone is no exception.

Instead of focusing on cell phone technology, which I will save for another day, let's look at one aspect of the metamorphosis of human communication which is a direct result of cell phone usage.

Do you recall before the cell phone took over our lives, we used to call people land line to land line and say...

"Hello! How are you?"
"What are you cooking for dinner?"
"Is that noise from the kids watching TV?"
"How was your day at work today?"
"I have to take the cake out of the oven, can I call you right back?"

And now, we call cell phone to cell phone and say...

"Hello! Where are you?"
"Can you talk now?"
"What is all that background noise?"
"How many signals have you got?"
"I am standing on the corner of Grand & Summit, can't you see me?"

One could go on to list many different common questions we did and do tend to ask on the phone. However, let's zoom in on the most common FIRST question...

Land Line = "How are you?"
Cell Phone = "Where are you?"

Here nests the most dramatic change in our human phone communication – we flew from HOW to WHERE!

I am not a linguist nor sociologist, and don’t know of any studies out there that have actually researched this switch. I am merely a ‘social observer’ (a phrase I stole from my mother) and it seems to me, that now… the location of a person takes precedence over the state of a person.

An exaggeration? Maybe. However...

Factoid 1 - with the land line we know, that the person we call is stationary within the circumference of the phone cord at his/her home or office, because it is a fixed phone.

Factoid 2 - with the cell phone, the person we call is most likely mobile, so we automatically make an assumption that he/she is okey-dokey, and thus, the question – ‘how are you?’ sounds redundant. Double-quick, we want to get to 'where are you?' so, we can set up the next mode of expression. Makes sense?

I am off to check for research to support my observations. If you find something interesting or have feedback, drop me an email.

-zensufi-